He lied to me, I lied to myself

I had been living a lie for so long. I regularly told myself that my boyfriend’s behavior was normal. I made excuses for him and wore rose colored glasses every day of my life.

In fact, I told myself several lies. It was normal for us to fight every single day. It was normal for him to leave town on drinking binges. It was normal for him to judge me and snap every time I did something not to his liking. He played mind games and frequently lied to me.

I was the nurturer—a learned behavior, I realized. My mother was an alcoholic. My boyfriend’s behavior was irrational—just like hers. My friends and family told me he was a troubled individual. They all saw the warning signs. I noticed he behaved strangely but never wanted to admit it. He just needed someone to fix him. I thought I could fix all his pain, if I just did everything right.

Our relationship was a disaster. He was never there for me emotionally. Instead, he broke me down and destroyed my spirit. I became as messed up as he was. Still, I thought of creative ways to salvage our broken relationship. I hoped the games would eventually stop and one day he would wake up and be different.

I adopted a “love never fails” philosophy and began to regularly tolerate unacceptable behavior. I sought help and everyone would say, “Just leave him,” but I didn’t know how. He was manipulative and did a great job of concealing it. I also knew that if things were going to change, I needed help.

My friend recommended an Al-Anon meeting. I read the literature. Step One said, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” I realized for the first time in my entire life that I couldn’t control or change a person no matter how hard I tried.

Al-Anon was the beginning of my spiritual awakening and the meetings taught me that living with an alcoholic is too stressful to do alone. I also learned that I had to “Let Go and Let God” but not so much that I lost myself in the process.

I learned to set limits and learned to love without trying to control. Al-Anon is the meeting I look forward to because it is the beginning of a life change. It is where I take the first step of learning to self nurture and truly begin to heal.

By Anna D.
The Forum, March 2010

© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2010. All Rights Reserved.  Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdts., Inc,. Virginia Beach, V.A.

What do you see in the picture? Can you see the word?

I was given these words on a  little pamphlet by Donna S., at Salmon Arm Round Up many years ago.  Aparently it was written sometime in the early 70′s.

Why We Were Chosen, author unknown

God in His wisdom selected this group of men and women to be purveyors of His goodness.  In selecting them through whom to bring about this phenomenon He went not to the proud, the mighty, the famous or the brilliant.  He went instead to the humble, to the sick, to the unfortunate.  He went right to the drunkard, the so-called weakling of the world.  Well might He have said the following words to us:

“Unto your weak and feeble hands I have entrusted a power beyond estimate.  To you has been given that which has been denied the most learned of your fellows.  Not to scientists or statesmen, not to wives or mothers, not even to my priests or ministers have I given this gift of healing other alcoholics which I entrust to you.”

“It must be used unselfishly; it carries with it grave responsibility.  No day can be too long; no demands upon your time can be too urgent; no case can be too pitiful; no task too hard; no effort too great.  It must be used with tolerance for I have restricted its application to no race, no creed, and no denomination.  Personal criticism you must expect; lack of appreciation will be common; ridicule will be your lot; your motives will be misjudged.  You must be prepared for adversity, for what men call adversity is the ladder you must use to ascend the rungs toward spiritual perfection, and remember, in the exercise of this power I shall not exact from you beyond your capabilities.”

“You are not selected because of exceptional talents, and be careful always, if success attends your efforts not to ascribe to personal superiority that to which you can lay claim only by virtue of my gift.  If I had wanted learned men to accomplish this mission, this power would have been entrusted to the physician and scientist.  If I had wanted eloquent men, there would have been many anxious for the assignment, for talk is the easiest used of all talents with which I have endowed mankind.  If I had wanted scholarly men, the world is filled with better qualified men than you who would be available.  You were selected because you have been the outcasts of the world and your long experience as drunkards has made or should make you humbly alert to the cries of distress that come from the lonely hearts of alcoholics everywhere.”

“Keep ever in mind the admission you made on the day of your profession in AA — namely that you are powerless and that it was only with your willingness to turn your life and will unto my keeping that relief came to you.”

– Anonymous

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